Conflicted

I am on the cusp of something life changing. Only I don’t know what that is exactly. I wish that I could just be so sure of the right choice. Some people have it so easy, I swear. They are called to one thing and they just know when they get there that “This is it!!”. Well I have not gotten there yet. I want to be there. I have tried to pretend that I am, it doesn’t work.

So this is it. I am getting ready to start a masters program. Only I am not sure which one to choose.

I can do a MBA and add that to my Bachelors in Nursing and become, well alot of different things. There are nearly limitless possibilities, all with great earning potential. We do live in the orthopedic capital of the WORLD. LOL No kidding, its true. Working for one of the orthopedic companies could be exciting. I think. I mean, I know it would be stressful, and time consuming, but also challenging and rewarding at the same time. But the MBA would also qualify me to work upper management in the nursing field. CNO for one. I have really looked up to my former CNO, she was and still is a great leader. She was patient, professional. Totally awesome at her job. She had an open door, and in my opinion it was truly open. Someone you could come to with a problem, and know she listened and responded appropriately.

On the other hand…

For a long time I have wanted to be a nurse anesthetist. This is something I can’t really explain. I love the OR. The atmosphere is something that I crave. For some reason I have this itch to intubate someone. Although I have never done it. 😦 I know that sounds a little sick. Sorry. I have talked to several CRNAs (certified registered nurse anesthetists) and they have all told me they love their jobs. I really want to love my job.

One of the problems lie geographically. There are many MBA programs locally and even online that I could take advantage of. There are no CRNA schools locally. There are several in Chicago, Michigan and Ohio. None in Hawaii either. I checked.  There is only one school that has an online option. So all of the class work is online and the clinical time is at an approved site. Unfortunately again, none anywhere near where I live. So either I sacrifice for my family and go with the MBA or my family sacrifices for me and we move to a program.

 Are the sacrifices worth it? I can’t tell you the number of times that I have kicked myself in the ass for not realizing the paths I wanted to take before marriage and kids. Although those things may have never have happened at all if I had. UGH!!! Do I really want to uproot my kids and husband for MY goals? This is a daily struggle for me.

And lets not even talk about Hawaii right now! That’s another whopping can of worms. All of my choices have me leaving Indiana and moving, even the MBA eventually. Which includes moving my family. How many sacrifices do I have to make? Why can’t I just be happy where I am now? Why the hell do I even want more? The only answer I have is “I just do!”.

Anyway, that’s off my chest.  :/

Vic

 

 

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