Conflicted

I am on the cusp of something life changing. Only I don’t know what that is exactly. I wish that I could just be so sure of the right choice. Some people have it so easy, I swear. They are called to one thing and they just know when they get there that “This is it!!”. Well I have not gotten there yet. I want to be there. I have tried to pretend that I am, it doesn’t work.

So this is it. I am getting ready to start a masters program. Only I am not sure which one to choose.

I can do a MBA and add that to my Bachelors in Nursing and become, well alot of different things. There are nearly limitless possibilities, all with great earning potential. We do live in the orthopedic capital of the WORLD. LOL No kidding, its true. Working for one of the orthopedic companies could be exciting. I think. I mean, I know it would be stressful, and time consuming, but also challenging and rewarding at the same time. But the MBA would also qualify me to work upper management in the nursing field. CNO for one. I have really looked up to my former CNO, she was and still is a great leader. She was patient, professional. Totally awesome at her job. She had an open door, and in my opinion it was truly open. Someone you could come to with a problem, and know she listened and responded appropriately.

On the other hand…

For a long time I have wanted to be a nurse anesthetist. This is something I can’t really explain. I love the OR. The atmosphere is something that I crave. For some reason I have this itch to intubate someone. Although I have never done it. 😦 I know that sounds a little sick. Sorry. I have talked to several CRNAs (certified registered nurse anesthetists) and they have all told me they love their jobs. I really want to love my job.

One of the problems lie geographically. There are many MBA programs locally and even online that I could take advantage of. There are no CRNA schools locally. There are several in Chicago, Michigan and Ohio. None in Hawaii either. I checked.  There is only one school that has an online option. So all of the class work is online and the clinical time is at an approved site. Unfortunately again, none anywhere near where I live. So either I sacrifice for my family and go with the MBA or my family sacrifices for me and we move to a program.

 Are the sacrifices worth it? I can’t tell you the number of times that I have kicked myself in the ass for not realizing the paths I wanted to take before marriage and kids. Although those things may have never have happened at all if I had. UGH!!! Do I really want to uproot my kids and husband for MY goals? This is a daily struggle for me.

And lets not even talk about Hawaii right now! That’s another whopping can of worms. All of my choices have me leaving Indiana and moving, even the MBA eventually. Which includes moving my family. How many sacrifices do I have to make? Why can’t I just be happy where I am now? Why the hell do I even want more? The only answer I have is “I just do!”.

Anyway, that’s off my chest.  :/

Vic

 

 

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To run or not…

I have been on a personal  journey this year that involves me living longer and being healthier. So far its slow but sure. I havent lost more than 1.5 lb a week the whole year, and that’s ok. But lately its been more like a half pound every week or two. I am getting frustrated. So, I decided to change it up a bit. I have been doing Turbo Fire. Its a workout from Beach Body and I love it. But it isn’t working for me right now. So, I have a lot of friends that run. I really have never been big on running but, my friends are doing it, right? Talk about peer pressure. LOL

So…I had a plan. I would start with 30 minutes. I am in pretty good shape cardiovascularly, so I thought that maybe it would be a good place to start. I asked some of my runner friends and they thought it would be a good starting place too. Monday I put my plan into place. It was cold out, (HATE the cold!! Emphatically!!) but I kept a positive attitude. I thought I would just bundle up a bit, I would end up shedding the hat and gloves anyway. It was windy but I thought, “No problem”. So, after an hour of looking for the right attire (since I hadn’t got the cold weather wear out yet) to go outside and run I was off. I set my phone alarm for 15 minutes. I would run down the road for 15 minutes and then run back. 30 minute run, no problem. SURE!! I headed down the road, music blaring. (I know, I know, dangerous…)

I started out and I was feeling really good about it all. I didn’t quite make it to my goal in 15 minutes, but it was the first time out and so I wasn’t too disappointed. I felt great actually. I was running. Then…my alarm went off and I turned around to head home. It was all down hill from there, or should I say UP hill. Not only was I running UP hill but the head wind was very strong. I was struggling just to walk it. My clothes were plastered to my skin, you know, like in the movies. I was not feeling so great anymore. 😦 So I decided running back was not an option. I was walking back. Sad day. I was so hoping to say I ran the whole way. Did not happen. Not only did I not run back, it took me 10 minutes extra. I was so worn out from walking back home up hill against a killer head wind. But, I did feel like I got a good workout, so not and epic fail.

I went on with my day after that. I went to work, nights in the ICU. So I was working and my hips started to ache and it just kept getting worse. I popped 800 of Motrin thinking that would take care of it. NOPE!! Didn’t touch it.  By the end of my shift every time I got out of my chair I felt about 80 years old. I didn’t think too much about it as I went to bed. SO tired from the previous run and working. 

As I woke up to start my day today, all I could feel was my aching thighs and hips and calves and back…O M G!!! I was so sore this morning. UGH!! Determined that the horrible run yesterday was not going to get me down, I did my Turbo Fire workout. Fire 30 and a Stretch 10. Not a horribly long workout, so I thought, no problem. And it wasn’t. Once I got going, I didn’t really think about it. That’s usually how it goes, I just do it, no thoughts, just go through the motions and finish it. I always feel so good after a good workout. 🙂 

So now 24+ hours after my first run, I am still sore, in fact more sore than yesterday, even after 800 of Motrin tonight.  Not sure if I want to do it again, but I probably will. We’ll see how it goes next time. Wow, I can not believe how sore I am. HAHA. I am such a weenie!!

Well, anyway, I don’t think that I am ready to totally ready to give it up, even though my body would disagree. I am sure it will get better, at least I hope it does. I will keep you posted.

Til next time, Vic

This is me.

This is me, my first post in my first blog, ever. I don’t really know what to talk about.
So, I will start with who I am.
I am a cancer who likes the sun. Of course. I am also a wife of an adoring, albiet financially challenged and sometimes grumpy, husband. I am the mother of four of the most animated children God ever created.  Two of which aren’t children anymore. Or at least they think they’re not. The other two have teenage hormones running rampant in their bodies. I am the daughter of the most wonderful mother, flaws and all. I also had a great step dad who never actually called me his step anything. It was always,  “This is my oldest daughter.” I love them and miss them so much. They both died too soon. And my actual bio dad, who I only recently met, (because my parents are flawed) is almost all I ever imagined he would be. I imagined something along the lines of prince charming, (in the form of a father figure) sweeping me off my feet. Now that I think of it, I don’t think I have ever gotten over that. Much to the dismay of my husband and his tireless efforts to be constantly sweeping me off mine. I have a wonderful step mom, she accepted me and made me one of her own, when she could have made things hard. I love her. I am the oldest of six. Two sisters and three brothers. Only one of fwhich actually listens to me. I think that’s only because we’ve only met a couple of years ago and he doesn’t know any better yet.
I am a nurse in an ICU. I love the girls that I work with. They make life easier. My husband claims that I am married to my career. He’s kinda right.
I am a terrible house keeper. I have an aversion to most any type of housework. I need a wife. Lol I anlm however a great cook, when I have time.
I am also an voracoius book reader, known to devour atwo or three books in a weekend.  I will sometimes borderline on neglect to finish a book. 😦 (my argument is that my family CAN actually find and cook food for themselves)

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Finally,  I was and still am the very grateful granddaughter of the most wonderful grandmother that ever lived. She made such a strong impact on who I am today. Strong, feisty, never met a stranger, never give up, never take no for an answer, type of person. My husband calls it stubborn. She was the most wonderful red head that ever lived. I miss you grandma. You still inspire me every day.
(I will try to get a pic grandma up soon.)
Well, that’s kinda me in a nutshell. I don’t know if anyone will ever read this, but there it is. Kind of therapeutic, to write it all down.

Anyway, whoever reads it,
Thanks, till next time,  Vic